What the HELL is this blog about?

Hi. I consider myself hispanic. I act white. It's something I've learned to live with.
My blogs tell the story of an incredibly awkard, shy, neurotic, hispanic-white-acting, boyfriendless seventeen-year-old trying to fit into the world of being a "normal" teenager.... in a very, very white town.

Friday, October 15, 2010

exoctic tea parties, perverts, sex, and highlighters.

I couldn't imagine fufilling the expression "Keep your friends close but your enemy closer" any more than I am now without actually doing some physical harm to make it even MORE true. If any of that makes sense.
I can't tell if I'm feeling disgusted right now because it's morning and I haven't eaten yet or because of what happened last night. I think it's a little bit of both.
So last night after another night of wandering the city and asking myself why I continously invite people that I KNOW will bother me, we went back to Ingrid's dorm and played the game "Pervert" in which you confess what you've done and therefore move closer and closer to the middle of the board labeled "Pervert" and if you get there first, well, you win. I was totally ready to lose.
Surprisingly I didn't. :O Which, if you've played this game [totally bought in a porn store that we checked out while roaming downtown] you would know that this means you've at least experienced SOMETHING. And one again: I...don't really think I have. Unless I've had like an outer body experience or something.
And because my mind is strange in so many ways, all I could compare it was an "exotic" tea party [though there was no tea], later to be followed by drawing on each other with highlighter under a black light.
ANYHOO. The learning new things about people [like the fact that most were totally not virgins and maybe only three of us actually were [[there were twelve of us]], or that Victoria had a hell of a lot more sexual experience than most of us, or that the cutesy Ingrid wasn't so innocent at all, or the fact that Sullie really IS a sort of sexual deviant as I had suspected before] wasn't as bad as having to deal with Victoria.
She's my frenemie. She might already know this, she might not. IDK and IDGAS.
She's the type of girll who will definitely defend her friends till that end and this I admire most about her. She's loyal and loving and sweet and adorable...but she's also an attenion seeker.
Not to say that I'm not, but her personality being so dominating seems to always be pushing me away from the lime light which always reached ME first [after Ingrid of course, because DUH, Ingrid is the best. Semi sarcasm there, but mostly truth...and that's what's sad about it.] and so she MUST have it.
For example: Sullie departed from the group, sat alone and I went to talk to him. She came running up saying, "Oh, Sullie! Don't be alones!" And her ginourmous boobs totally threw me quite a few feet away from both of them. Literally. No joke. I was close to giving him a hug and then here she comes and shoves me away. With. Her. Boobs.
Kind of like what she did with Audrey [without the boobs]. She started flirting with him and grabbing his attention as much as she could after we had kind of hit it off [as friends].
But the thing that bothered me most was when it came to Sullie.
Actually, I think I should just dedicate a whole post to Sullie. But it might be too late for that.
Let me explain about Sullie:
He's twenty-one.
He's thin.
He looks like Shaggy off of Scooby Doo.
He looks eighteen and LOOKS/ACTS innocent but is actually a total shaggster. This adds to his appeal for some reason.
And I like him. I do. A lot.
But ever since day one I've been able to show everyone how much I like them. Except him. For some reason or another. Maybe because he was intimidating in that "Shit, he keeps catching my glances" way.
It's strange how my feelings work for him. It's like when we're around a group of people and their attention is away from him and I totally have a chance get closer to him, I throw it away. And when we're alone, I throw it away. He just seems like the goofy type when we're alone together and like a literal teddy bear that I can't imagine doing anything with except hugging the life out of him. But then. Later on. When he's in the spot light and he's making funnies and when I notice other girls noticing that "Hey, this kid may be a but goofy...but I'm totally attracted to him." That's when the flames come out [not that I do shit about it].

All I'm doing is pissing myself off. I'm making myself uber jealous and with a great need and want to take him away to a far away corner where I can have him all to myself [even if we never do anything] on ONE DAY...and the next, when I really DO get that chance...I don't care for it. At. All.
I'm so fucking pissed about this. I don't understand myself. And everyday I look forward to seeing him hoping that when I do, something in my mind will click and explain to me why I feel this way. I mean, I wish that once and for all I will either BE OVER HIS ADORABLENESS/sweetness/cute eyes/clear-need-of-a-lot-of-glomps-from-me OR that I will finally get that butterfly, light hearted feeling I used to get when I looked at Paul and KNEW, just really KNEW that no matter what I'd always want him whether we were alone or in a room with large people [Cheesy as hell? I knows].
What sucks is that I don't think Sullie will be at school today. I doubt he has classes.
Fucking SHIT.