What the HELL is this blog about?

Hi. I consider myself hispanic. I act white. It's something I've learned to live with.
My blogs tell the story of an incredibly awkard, shy, neurotic, hispanic-white-acting, boyfriendless seventeen-year-old trying to fit into the world of being a "normal" teenager.... in a very, very white town.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Catching up: Oct-Feb Heartbreak

Heartbreak, boys, relationship.

October 3oth:
I arrive late at Drew's zombie party. It was too far away. I shouldn't have gone. It was pointless. Everything was over. I'd only be showing up to crash there. But i went because Sullie was there and I was hoping to somehow...get closer to him. By the time I get there I see him all close up and cosy with Danielle. My brain is broken. I'm confused as fuck.

"Did you ever even see that coming?" Ingrid whispered to me as we sette ourselves on the floor and in the sleeping bags. She nodded to the couch where Sullie held Danielle she slept.

I tried to hold back a laugh. "Hell no. I didn't even know they talked to each other before today."

October 31st: Last day of volunteering. The entire time I was unable to focus because I couldn't believe that Danielle and Sullie had fallen asleep together on the couch...holding each other. I was...confused. I had never even seen them talk before. Cassy was volunteering with me. I told her about how weird it was. I wouldn't shut up about it. In the back of my mind, I knew I should have stopped. I had volunteered us to do this cause she needed out of the house. She needed a distraction. She needed postive things... And yet here I was talking about it all day.
When the night was over, she did what I can never thank her for. I can't really thank her enough for hugging me when I unexpectedly broke down on our way out. I can't thank her enough. For helping me through the next few months. I can never thank her.
That night, I got home and bawled my eyes out on my bed. My mom came to ask me what was wrong and I refused to tell her and begged to be left alone. I needed someone to talk to. Cassy didn't have a phone and I didn't want to bother her. I called Lauren. I cried my eyes out most of that night. It was the first time my heart had actually felt broken. It was the first time I'd actually cried that heavily over a boy.

I cringed everytime I was near Sullie and Danielle. They were THE MOST affection couple in the whole of the school. But I wasn't as bothered as Victoria, who had obviously wanted very badly to have Sullie as her own.
But a new guy was introduced into our group. His name is Avery. He sat across from our circle with his knees up like L from Deathnote. I was sitting Indian-style in my chair. I caught his deep blue eyes....
He looked like a dork.
But there was something about him.
A few days later [and keep in mind throughout this I'm still bitter about Sullie and Danielle], while I sat with Lauren, he walks intot he lounge I stare, but say nothing at all. Lauren turns to me and said, "That guy that just walked in has pretty eyes."
She didn't know that he had sat behind her. And he heard her.
I kinda started his intregration into out group and kept inviting him over to do/sit with us. He turns out to be a dork. But a sweet, reaaaaally good looking, cute dork.
He sits really clos beside me whenever we're at a group thing---at first. And this helps deal with Danielle and Sullie.
I guess you could say that my relationship with Avery was...well. I used him as a distraction form DandS and he used me as a friend since he was new and didn't know anyone.
But distraction or not...I started liking him more. I like the way he looked at me and moved in close to creep me out with his eye-shake-talent. I like the way his abs felt with I tried to make him feel ticklish in vain. I liked the way he smiled at me when he knew I was full of bull shit. I liked the way he was shy and his need for attention was like that of a little boy who just wants to be liked so he goes aroud giving flowers to older women and telling them they're pretty.
I liked the way he laughed, his dorky-fast-breath-desperate-y laugh.
I liked that he actually tried to find things in common with me and to make conversation. I like that he wasn't afrain to give me the tightest bear hugs I'd ever felt since the southern-boy who liked me. They were so, so, so much better.
I like how any Owl City song or Owl City itself was used as the perfect way to describe him. I loved the butterflies I felt when I thought about him. When I saw him. When he spoke. When he laughed, when he smiled. When he was the last person I'd text before going to sleep.
I liked him. A lot. And I knew this. He was so, so, SO much better than Sullie.
So, so, so much.
And then Ingrid came in.
She had just broken up with her boyfriend. She had cried. I had made her something to feel better. In fact I had made something for a few others as well. It seemed like the second quarter was filled with much, much heart break...We were all hurting in some way.
But I had found a tiny...light...
And it had found Ingrid.
I knew it. I knew it the instant they locked eyes during Ninja.
And my heart might as well have shattered again.
They were so cute for the next two weeks. They were literally attached to the hip. Or might as well have been since all they would do was spend their free time listening to Owl City or Lights on Ingrid's Ipod sharing earbuds.
He lives the same distance as I do away from the school. In the opposite direction. But he'd spend several nights over at Ingrid's apartment. Then she's spend nights over at his house. And they're go out to eat together. They'd do...so much...together.
And every moment. Every day...
Every time I saw this with their heads leaning in together, my heart would break more and more. Only Lauren and Danielle saw me cry about it in the bathroom. And I mean really cry. I cried more about Avery than I cried over Sullie. I FELT more over Avery than I think I could ever feel for Sullie...In SUCH. A. SHORT. AMOUNT. OF. TIME.
I felt sick to my stomach, nervous as hell and angry and sad and depressed when I woud hear them giggling. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand her.
Every day I was in class with Ingrid and her new bff Victoria and I could hear them whispering about Avery. I once heard her tell a story about how she'd gone with Avery to Walmart at four in the morning, he had stared at her, said, "You're so cute." and kissed her.
Fucking use a hatchet to murder my heart, why don't you?
Naturally, I couldn't stand being near either of them. But most of all, I couldn't stand being near Avery. He still wanted to talk to me every so often, he still wanted to be friends.
But...I couldn't even be that. My heart...was...too weak for even that.
And it was too angry. I would walk into the lounge and hug everyone except him. I would say hi to everyone except him. Mady tells me that I was a jerk for singling him out. I was. But once again, if I even looked at him, I'd want to cry.
I wasn't just angry at him, though. I was angry with myself. I'd never felt this out of control with my emotions before. Ever. And it was scary. But most of all, it was annoying.
And then it got even more annoying.
He sat down next to me one day. We conversed. A little. He moved in to show me his creepy eye-shake thing and I kicked his chair away. My heart was going wild and I could feel the tears welling up as I thought about how Ingrid would soon show up and he'd forget about me an go on to lay his head in her lap...
I walked away and left it at that.
At some point in time, I was in class when Ingrid hesitantly turned around to look at me. As slowly and as carefully as she could she said, "Um, hey? Can I ask you a question?"
"Uh...It's just that...uhm...I was wondering...are you mad at Avery or something? I mean...he says that you kinda...don't wanna talk to him anymore...and he just...he kinda...are you mad at him?"
I didn't feel bad at that moment. I was furious.
"Oh, no. Not at all. I'll fix that today," I said calmly.
"Oh, ok." Ingrid said, uncertain of my answer. Regardless, she smiled her cute smile and turned back around. Of course she had to know that I was avoiding Avery. Everyone had to know. But no on had said anything until today. And it hadn't even been him.
So. Fucking. Furious.
During break, I went to get something to eat and saw him in the lounge. He was talking to Ingrid and I said something along the lines of "I heard you thought I was mad at you. We'll I'm not. Hug?" He was eating something and I didn't give him time to respond before I hugged him. I tried to move quick because he still hugged me as tightly as before... and that worried me. I could feel the tears again.
I backed off and said, "Are we all good?"
He nodded and tried to smile as he was still chewing his poptart. He pointed out the fact that he was chewing and that probably meant he was going to say something else, but...I didn't want to stick around to find out what. I just smiled and left him before any evidence of my tears could be suspected.

I still avoided him for the rest of the winter.

Sullie and Danielle had broken up three weeks into their relatonship from Halloween, leaving Danielle heart-broken. She had never cuddled with a boy before. She had nibbled a boy's neck. Yet she did so with Sullie. So, naturally, when he let her go back in November, she felt TERRIBLE.
We tried to console each other [she never and still doesn't know that I cried over Sullie] by talking about both our situations, mine with Avery and Ingrid, and can't wait for Chritmas break.
And then...something weird happens.
I start texting Avery again. A lot. Mostly about nonsense... But a lot.
I start to go to sleep to his texts again. I stay up till four in the morning to have silly convo with him. I start to feel calmer about him...
School starts again. Things are deffinitely weird. Avery starts paying a bit less attention to Ingrid and more to others...including me... He walks across the room to start conversation with me. He walks away from Victoria [a seeming dictator of the group she created with Ingrid and the one I started to detach myself from] and them to see what I'm doing.
We continue texting a bit more. It's nothing serious. Just silly things. And Ingrid begins to look up at us more. She follows him when he walks over to me. She asks what's wrong when he's quiet. She's always trying to convince him to come over to her apartment again...
The boy is being suffocated. We're alone in the hallway and he tells me so. I find this humerous. And delightful. Not because we're spending slightly more time together, but because he's telling me things. As a friend. I'm delighted that I now feel like I can be...friends with him again.
But Ingrid is going slightly down hill. She is getting more and more anxious. He's not really doting over her as much. And he's not over me or any other girl, as I should say. Not the way he did over her, anyay.
But she's worried. I can tell. And upset. There are occassions when I see her crying.
And I feel..terrible. I never loved Ingrid as much as others did. But I never disliked her. And I know the feeling she gets when Avey ignores her for someone else. She may be clingy as fuck, but she's human too.
I can't tell her to back off though. It would be so wrong. Especially from me. I can't tell her that he needs space because it will obviously seem like I'm trying to start something...
I tell him it's his job to do so. Before he hurts her feelings. He tells me girls hold grudges.
Well. YEAH.
But...I leave it up to him. I try to stay Switzerland.
He doesn't say anything.
And then I get and IM on facebook.
It's Ingrid.
She asks me if she can ask me a question in hopes that it won't bother me.
I say sure.
"Is there something up with Avery? I mean... he seems...distant ever since we got back from break and I...just...you guys have been reconnecting and I was wondering if he has told you anything...?"
I can imagine her soft, scared, uncertain, perfect-actress voice as she says this. But I know it can very well be an act...because Ingrid...is a good actress. [she can even cry on cue]
My reply to her was something along the lines of "Erm, he hasn't really told me anything but....I can see why you're upset. Don't worry. There's nothing up between me and him. We're just friends. Besides. The whole school practically knows that you two are together."
And she responds with, "Yeah. I wanna make it official sooooo bad ^3^ but he won't let me yet for personal reasons."
That was the summed up version. In real life, the conversation was longer and I was texting Avery on the side and telling him that she put me on the spot and that he should've done what I had said. I added the line, "show her that you still like her the way she likes you,". To which he didn't directly respond...

It had started to go downhill.

As or Danielle? She was heart broken because only a day after hr break up ith Sullie, he had shown up at school with a hickie, not claiming to know how he got it because he had gone clubbing and it was packed. Later he had started to date Natasha, Ingrid's roommate.

This is the most recent quarter. I've currently fried my brain trying to think back and remember what happened. Strangely enough, this means I can't remember the most recent quarter as well.

But I will give you a run down of what happened:
I tried pot for the first time. I started using tampons [cause you totally need to know that]
And we came to find out that Avery is in fact an asshole and had fooled us. Also, our dearest Sarina dropped out of school because of inability to pay for it. Care to find out what excactly happened? [Doubt you do.]
Then please, keep checking back at this blog.

Friday, October 15, 2010

exoctic tea parties, perverts, sex, and highlighters.

I couldn't imagine fufilling the expression "Keep your friends close but your enemy closer" any more than I am now without actually doing some physical harm to make it even MORE true. If any of that makes sense.
I can't tell if I'm feeling disgusted right now because it's morning and I haven't eaten yet or because of what happened last night. I think it's a little bit of both.
So last night after another night of wandering the city and asking myself why I continously invite people that I KNOW will bother me, we went back to Ingrid's dorm and played the game "Pervert" in which you confess what you've done and therefore move closer and closer to the middle of the board labeled "Pervert" and if you get there first, well, you win. I was totally ready to lose.
Surprisingly I didn't. :O Which, if you've played this game [totally bought in a porn store that we checked out while roaming downtown] you would know that this means you've at least experienced SOMETHING. And one again: I...don't really think I have. Unless I've had like an outer body experience or something.
And because my mind is strange in so many ways, all I could compare it was an "exotic" tea party [though there was no tea], later to be followed by drawing on each other with highlighter under a black light.
ANYHOO. The learning new things about people [like the fact that most were totally not virgins and maybe only three of us actually were [[there were twelve of us]], or that Victoria had a hell of a lot more sexual experience than most of us, or that the cutesy Ingrid wasn't so innocent at all, or the fact that Sullie really IS a sort of sexual deviant as I had suspected before] wasn't as bad as having to deal with Victoria.
She's my frenemie. She might already know this, she might not. IDK and IDGAS.
She's the type of girll who will definitely defend her friends till that end and this I admire most about her. She's loyal and loving and sweet and adorable...but she's also an attenion seeker.
Not to say that I'm not, but her personality being so dominating seems to always be pushing me away from the lime light which always reached ME first [after Ingrid of course, because DUH, Ingrid is the best. Semi sarcasm there, but mostly truth...and that's what's sad about it.] and so she MUST have it.
For example: Sullie departed from the group, sat alone and I went to talk to him. She came running up saying, "Oh, Sullie! Don't be alones!" And her ginourmous boobs totally threw me quite a few feet away from both of them. Literally. No joke. I was close to giving him a hug and then here she comes and shoves me away. With. Her. Boobs.
Kind of like what she did with Audrey [without the boobs]. She started flirting with him and grabbing his attention as much as she could after we had kind of hit it off [as friends].
But the thing that bothered me most was when it came to Sullie.
Actually, I think I should just dedicate a whole post to Sullie. But it might be too late for that.
Let me explain about Sullie:
He's twenty-one.
He's thin.
He looks like Shaggy off of Scooby Doo.
He looks eighteen and LOOKS/ACTS innocent but is actually a total shaggster. This adds to his appeal for some reason.
And I like him. I do. A lot.
But ever since day one I've been able to show everyone how much I like them. Except him. For some reason or another. Maybe because he was intimidating in that "Shit, he keeps catching my glances" way.
It's strange how my feelings work for him. It's like when we're around a group of people and their attention is away from him and I totally have a chance get closer to him, I throw it away. And when we're alone, I throw it away. He just seems like the goofy type when we're alone together and like a literal teddy bear that I can't imagine doing anything with except hugging the life out of him. But then. Later on. When he's in the spot light and he's making funnies and when I notice other girls noticing that "Hey, this kid may be a but goofy...but I'm totally attracted to him." That's when the flames come out [not that I do shit about it].

All I'm doing is pissing myself off. I'm making myself uber jealous and with a great need and want to take him away to a far away corner where I can have him all to myself [even if we never do anything] on ONE DAY...and the next, when I really DO get that chance...I don't care for it. At. All.
I'm so fucking pissed about this. I don't understand myself. And everyday I look forward to seeing him hoping that when I do, something in my mind will click and explain to me why I feel this way. I mean, I wish that once and for all I will either BE OVER HIS ADORABLENESS/sweetness/cute eyes/clear-need-of-a-lot-of-glomps-from-me OR that I will finally get that butterfly, light hearted feeling I used to get when I looked at Paul and KNEW, just really KNEW that no matter what I'd always want him whether we were alone or in a room with large people [Cheesy as hell? I knows].
What sucks is that I don't think Sullie will be at school today. I doubt he has classes.
Fucking SHIT.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

they only come when unplanned.

My mother stared at me while I was looking out the window. I caught her and smiled. She returned it. I wonder if she could sense anything. Mothers are supposed to have extra special powers, you know.
Could she sense how pathetic I felt right then? Remembering the walk downtown and how it was such a perfect night... Running through the fountains. Getting wet. Walking around barefoot, drying off. And the laying on the concrete, looking up at the stars with the skyscrapers surrounding us. The breeze. The people I was with. How calming and peaceful it was.
It's such a bittersweet memory. It only happened weeks ago, yet I feel like it was an eternity ago.
The sadness comes in with the realization that a perfect night like that won't happen for a while. We tried going downtown again. This time Ingrid joined us.
I have nothing against Ingrid. Sort of. In fact I actually idolize her. But then again, who wouldn't? She and I have only just finished our first quarter and already she's taken over as one of the best artists our school has to offer. Yes, including the SENIOR artists. She's that damn good.
Also, people love her. Why?
1. She's petite.
2. She's got scenie-weenie hair.
3. Her style is
scenie-weenie/tomboy with lots of eye liner, colored nail polish, tight graphic
t's, chucks, skinny jeans and cute belts. Pretty much a style that you
could imagine Hot Topic generated before it became mainstream.
4. Her
attitude is perfect with everyone. She can be sweet and cute as can be with
cute sayings and jokes and, even though it gets on my nerves, she speaks
a few words of Japanese in that cute little anime voice and
LOVES HER. But then she can switch onto the
tomboy mode. Think
ninja. Think willing to play along
with everything. Think...juggalo. She used to be
Also, think cute little sister with the boy walk that other boys
would like
to spar with some day. Mhm.
5. She's a furry.
6. Very into
7. EVERYONE LOVES HER. And I hate to love her for
this. Am I jealous? Why yes. Yes I am.
And she gets along fabulously with Sullie. Let me tell you something about Sullie: he. is. adorable.
I want to be his best friend. And no, not because he's gay. Ha. He's not gay. ;]
Point is... I want to get close to this kid for reasons that will probably be explained later on, but... We can't. Because we have nothing in common. Sure it was amazing hanging with Sullie the first time we went downtown but now with Ingrid there. I'm in the back of the group and he's far off ahead of us with Ingrid and they're running around having fun and I feel like a fucking grandma.
SO what is the point of this blog post if all I'm doing is bitching about how I'm jealous of Ingrid? There are three, actually:

1. I am jealous of Ingrid.
2. It just goes to show that perfect and beautiful nights are always best when not planned.
3. There is a part two to this where you will learn more about Sullie and I will elaborate with stuff that's been going on. But you'll have to wait for it. I'm sorry, I have no more time to write. :/

Friday, August 20, 2010

southern lollipop cuteness.

It's Drawing class and we're momentarily on a break from drawing a fucking Kroger bag down to the smallest damn detail when Riley walks in with a huge lollipop and hands it to me.
"I was told to give this to you. I know you know who it's from."
"Oh my goodness, yay! A lollipop!" I'm a little too excited about this candy.
"You do see what's going on here?" Riley asks.
My goofiness is gone for a second and I say in a calm, low voice, "Yes. I know. And I'm trying to block it out of the moment so, just let it slide for now, kthanks."
She won't let it go.
"Oh, come on. Give him a chance. He's a nice guy."
Because I said I wasn't going to give him a chance? But she assumed it and next thing I know, she's coming up with a plan to help me shoot him down and shake him off.
The problem comes in when I think about it: do I really like him?
I love him, for sure. In that "omg that guy is so adorable and funny, he could be my best friend"-way. It's not the same way as I keep being told he likes me.
See... I see romantic potential. But only slightly.
He's a redneck. Nothing wrong with that. He's in culinary. He likes to wrestle and hike and is super sweet and has a bit of that southern charm that draws people to him automatically. But something draws him to me more.
Maybe the "cuteness"?
That's the problem. He's attractive. He's sweet. He's funny. He's awkward [lol, cute]...but I don't think we really have anything in real common except that physical attraction shit.
Meh. It sucks. Hard. Core.
I'm not entirely sure what to do. :/

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

a boy who is a dick moment.

I'd been sketching a guy that I thought was beautiful to me. He was similar to an actual guy that I kept seeing in the hallway and who I felt giddy about.
He's a son of a bitch.
I walk out of the lounge and pass their group. They were clearly having a convo and all look at me as I walk out. This is what I hear as I walk by:
"Oh HELL no!"
"Oh my god, You're so mean."
Two things that bothered me:
1. He apparently considered me scum. Doesn't really bothered me as much as
2. The girl who threw out the "so mean" line...threw out the "so mean" line. This, in case you are unaware, is the pity line.
I despise pity. I hate feeling like a weakling in need of defense from a girl who is only offering it because she feels a bit bad for wanting to or laughing at me.
Humiliating, really.
But the good thing is that it didn't bother me so much. I mean sure, I sat in my next class trying to fight off the tears and knowing that at any second I might burst out in random tears and shaking...
Thankfully the topic for our class was about stress and everything that makes it evident.
1. butterflies
2. shaking
3. mood swings
4. etc.
Our teacher is my reason for not breaking down over one little incident. He told us about his experience during the disaster. It made me feel so much better about what had happened earlier.
Here I was freaking out and wanting to cry because some girl felt bad for me and one really cute guy didn't like me.
My teacher spoke about all his troubles after the disaster and the stresses in his life after, while clearly close to tears...as was I. About to cry with him...FOR him. It wasn't even about me any more. While his story had a general good ending, it was a key element for me to get over my own little crisis.
He said that stress isn't about what causes it: it's how we handle it.
And you know what? I don't need to make a big deal about some gorgeous chick pitying the weird looking girl with big dimples. Pfft. What reason will I GIVE her to pity me? And the guy? Fuck him. I have a line building up of other guys who I already like as friends. All I need is friends right now. That'll keep me happy.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

art school, chucks and perfect flirting.

"That feels good," I say as I feel his fingers squeezing my neck and attempt to hold back a flinch.
It does not feel good at all.
My mind attempted to come out of confusion, to understand if what I'm feeling is relaxing me...or causing me pain---
It's causing me pain.
This guy can't give massages worth a shit. But I'll give him an A for effort.
We sit in the lounge which has two drink machines, a candy machine, a hot chocolate/coffee machine, a plasma screen TV with Wii. Our group sits in one of the middle tables, being the loud and perverted art students that we are. I never felt so comfortable with strangers before.
But...they don't really feel like strangers. I love this about art school.Two guys come sit beside me in a strategy that I've learned quickly about..
They do this to the giggly "noobs" and it's fantastic.
There's a lot of laughter, a lot of perverted jokes...a lot of teenage antics which make me laugh. And I mean really laugh. Not fake-painful-laugh that I've had to endure for most of high school pretending something was funny so I wasn't outcast.
No. Not anymore. I'm tired of feeling the need to pretend. I'm pretty much in college, dammit. And the people here actually seem really, really interested in me. And it's not pity interest because I'm so shy...I'm not really all that shy anymore.
It's not clingy-I-need-a-girlfriend-and-you're-the-only-one-nice-to-me-so-imma-stalk-you interest either. It's genuine interest. Hopefully.
Or maybe cause I'm still kinda new.
Point is: people seem much more accepting. Much more nice. Much more like able than others. And I love it.
-Bzzzzzzz-My phone kept vibrating during class. One text was from Jesi. The other from Bonnie.
I don't know what to do with Bonnie. She's been my friend for six years now and I have absolutely no reason to dislike her...Heck, she was one of the reasons for why I started to leave my shell during high school.
But... her text...her asking me to go get drunk at a party and try weed for the first time is not something I find enjoyable. It's not something I want to do. It's something I've told her I want to do...SOME DAY. As a freaking life experience and not something I want to do just to get it over and done with. I. Don't. Want. That.
And frankly, I just don't want to hang with her anymore.
It's not that I think I'm better than her all of sudden because I have new friends---oh hells to the nah. It's just...we have nothing in common, to be honest.
I always feel like I'm pretending somehow when we hang. Like I'm pretending to be someone else.
And I don't want to anymore. I want to be myself, my own kid. Not a leech in need of care.
She's part of my past. Part of something that I don't want to think about anymore. Part of something that I just want to tie to a balloon someday and let it fly.I don't want to dis her. I just want to move on.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

inception: HOLY SHIT!

I don't want to make this a blog about reviewing books and movies... even though I've gotten close to making it so....I hope that Inception is the only movie I review on here. [i really don't want to make it a review blog.] How can I explain the dream scape that Inception threw me in after watching it? I was in my own "Limbo" for a while, feeling once again like the ground had just been snatched out from under my feet.
My mind is easily influenced, that's for sure. Yet, it's not easily convinced. Does that make sense?
I'm the biggest believer...yet I'm my own biggest skeptic.
The movie suggests [or "incepts"into our minds] that the world we live in may be all just a dream. Who is to say it's not? Who is to declare it reality? What IS reality?
Too many questions arise. Too many doubts.
It really is an interesting movie to watch. So interesting that I felt the need to come on here and tell you all to go watch it. Because I'm lame and I have nothing else I want to talk about.
There are things going in on art school, though. :]
But that shall be a blog for later.

And Mimi: thank you for your response. It means a lot to know that you've thought about this as much as I have. And Mily: Lol. Yeah, your comment confused me a bit but it did make me laugh.