What the HELL is this blog about?

Hi. I consider myself hispanic. I act white. It's something I've learned to live with.
My blogs tell the story of an incredibly awkard, shy, neurotic, hispanic-white-acting, boyfriendless seventeen-year-old trying to fit into the world of being a "normal" teenager.... in a very, very white town.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Catching up: Oct-Feb Heartbreak

Heartbreak, boys, relationship.

October 3oth:
I arrive late at Drew's zombie party. It was too far away. I shouldn't have gone. It was pointless. Everything was over. I'd only be showing up to crash there. But i went because Sullie was there and I was hoping to somehow...get closer to him. By the time I get there I see him all close up and cosy with Danielle. My brain is broken. I'm confused as fuck.

"Did you ever even see that coming?" Ingrid whispered to me as we sette ourselves on the floor and in the sleeping bags. She nodded to the couch where Sullie held Danielle she slept.

I tried to hold back a laugh. "Hell no. I didn't even know they talked to each other before today."

October 31st: Last day of volunteering. The entire time I was unable to focus because I couldn't believe that Danielle and Sullie had fallen asleep together on the couch...holding each other. I was...confused. I had never even seen them talk before. Cassy was volunteering with me. I told her about how weird it was. I wouldn't shut up about it. In the back of my mind, I knew I should have stopped. I had volunteered us to do this cause she needed out of the house. She needed a distraction. She needed postive things... And yet here I was talking about it all day.
When the night was over, she did what I can never thank her for. I can't really thank her enough for hugging me when I unexpectedly broke down on our way out. I can't thank her enough. For helping me through the next few months. I can never thank her.
That night, I got home and bawled my eyes out on my bed. My mom came to ask me what was wrong and I refused to tell her and begged to be left alone. I needed someone to talk to. Cassy didn't have a phone and I didn't want to bother her. I called Lauren. I cried my eyes out most of that night. It was the first time my heart had actually felt broken. It was the first time I'd actually cried that heavily over a boy.

I cringed everytime I was near Sullie and Danielle. They were THE MOST affection couple in the whole of the school. But I wasn't as bothered as Victoria, who had obviously wanted very badly to have Sullie as her own.
But a new guy was introduced into our group. His name is Avery. He sat across from our circle with his knees up like L from Deathnote. I was sitting Indian-style in my chair. I caught his deep blue eyes....
He looked like a dork.
But there was something about him.
A few days later [and keep in mind throughout this I'm still bitter about Sullie and Danielle], while I sat with Lauren, he walks intot he lounge I stare, but say nothing at all. Lauren turns to me and said, "That guy that just walked in has pretty eyes."
She didn't know that he had sat behind her. And he heard her.
I kinda started his intregration into out group and kept inviting him over to do/sit with us. He turns out to be a dork. But a sweet, reaaaaally good looking, cute dork.
He sits really clos beside me whenever we're at a group thing---at first. And this helps deal with Danielle and Sullie.
I guess you could say that my relationship with Avery was...well. I used him as a distraction form DandS and he used me as a friend since he was new and didn't know anyone.
But distraction or not...I started liking him more. I like the way he looked at me and moved in close to creep me out with his eye-shake-talent. I like the way his abs felt with I tried to make him feel ticklish in vain. I liked the way he smiled at me when he knew I was full of bull shit. I liked the way he was shy and his need for attention was like that of a little boy who just wants to be liked so he goes aroud giving flowers to older women and telling them they're pretty.
I liked the way he laughed, his dorky-fast-breath-desperate-y laugh.
I liked that he actually tried to find things in common with me and to make conversation. I like that he wasn't afrain to give me the tightest bear hugs I'd ever felt since the southern-boy who liked me. They were so, so, so much better.
I like how any Owl City song or Owl City itself was used as the perfect way to describe him. I loved the butterflies I felt when I thought about him. When I saw him. When he spoke. When he laughed, when he smiled. When he was the last person I'd text before going to sleep.
I liked him. A lot. And I knew this. He was so, so, SO much better than Sullie.
So, so, so much.
And then Ingrid came in.
She had just broken up with her boyfriend. She had cried. I had made her something to feel better. In fact I had made something for a few others as well. It seemed like the second quarter was filled with much, much heart break...We were all hurting in some way.
But I had found a tiny...light...
And it had found Ingrid.
I knew it. I knew it the instant they locked eyes during Ninja.
And my heart might as well have shattered again.
They were so cute for the next two weeks. They were literally attached to the hip. Or might as well have been since all they would do was spend their free time listening to Owl City or Lights on Ingrid's Ipod sharing earbuds.
He lives the same distance as I do away from the school. In the opposite direction. But he'd spend several nights over at Ingrid's apartment. Then she's spend nights over at his house. And they're go out to eat together. They'd do...so much...together.
And every moment. Every day...
Every time I saw this with their heads leaning in together, my heart would break more and more. Only Lauren and Danielle saw me cry about it in the bathroom. And I mean really cry. I cried more about Avery than I cried over Sullie. I FELT more over Avery than I think I could ever feel for Sullie...In SUCH. A. SHORT. AMOUNT. OF. TIME.
I felt sick to my stomach, nervous as hell and angry and sad and depressed when I woud hear them giggling. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand her.
Every day I was in class with Ingrid and her new bff Victoria and I could hear them whispering about Avery. I once heard her tell a story about how she'd gone with Avery to Walmart at four in the morning, he had stared at her, said, "You're so cute." and kissed her.
Fucking use a hatchet to murder my heart, why don't you?
Naturally, I couldn't stand being near either of them. But most of all, I couldn't stand being near Avery. He still wanted to talk to me every so often, he still wanted to be friends.
But...I couldn't even be that. My heart...was...too weak for even that.
And it was too angry. I would walk into the lounge and hug everyone except him. I would say hi to everyone except him. Mady tells me that I was a jerk for singling him out. I was. But once again, if I even looked at him, I'd want to cry.
I wasn't just angry at him, though. I was angry with myself. I'd never felt this out of control with my emotions before. Ever. And it was scary. But most of all, it was annoying.
And then it got even more annoying.
He sat down next to me one day. We conversed. A little. He moved in to show me his creepy eye-shake thing and I kicked his chair away. My heart was going wild and I could feel the tears welling up as I thought about how Ingrid would soon show up and he'd forget about me an go on to lay his head in her lap...
I walked away and left it at that.
At some point in time, I was in class when Ingrid hesitantly turned around to look at me. As slowly and as carefully as she could she said, "Um, hey? Can I ask you a question?"
"Uh...It's just that...uhm...I was wondering...are you mad at Avery or something? I mean...he says that you kinda...don't wanna talk to him anymore...and he just...he kinda...are you mad at him?"
I didn't feel bad at that moment. I was furious.
"Oh, no. Not at all. I'll fix that today," I said calmly.
"Oh, ok." Ingrid said, uncertain of my answer. Regardless, she smiled her cute smile and turned back around. Of course she had to know that I was avoiding Avery. Everyone had to know. But no on had said anything until today. And it hadn't even been him.
So. Fucking. Furious.
During break, I went to get something to eat and saw him in the lounge. He was talking to Ingrid and I said something along the lines of "I heard you thought I was mad at you. We'll I'm not. Hug?" He was eating something and I didn't give him time to respond before I hugged him. I tried to move quick because he still hugged me as tightly as before... and that worried me. I could feel the tears again.
I backed off and said, "Are we all good?"
He nodded and tried to smile as he was still chewing his poptart. He pointed out the fact that he was chewing and that probably meant he was going to say something else, but...I didn't want to stick around to find out what. I just smiled and left him before any evidence of my tears could be suspected.

I still avoided him for the rest of the winter.

Sullie and Danielle had broken up three weeks into their relatonship from Halloween, leaving Danielle heart-broken. She had never cuddled with a boy before. She had nibbled a boy's neck. Yet she did so with Sullie. So, naturally, when he let her go back in November, she felt TERRIBLE.
We tried to console each other [she never and still doesn't know that I cried over Sullie] by talking about both our situations, mine with Avery and Ingrid, and can't wait for Chritmas break.
And then...something weird happens.
I start texting Avery again. A lot. Mostly about nonsense... But a lot.
I start to go to sleep to his texts again. I stay up till four in the morning to have silly convo with him. I start to feel calmer about him...
School starts again. Things are deffinitely weird. Avery starts paying a bit less attention to Ingrid and more to others...including me... He walks across the room to start conversation with me. He walks away from Victoria [a seeming dictator of the group she created with Ingrid and the one I started to detach myself from] and them to see what I'm doing.
We continue texting a bit more. It's nothing serious. Just silly things. And Ingrid begins to look up at us more. She follows him when he walks over to me. She asks what's wrong when he's quiet. She's always trying to convince him to come over to her apartment again...
The boy is being suffocated. We're alone in the hallway and he tells me so. I find this humerous. And delightful. Not because we're spending slightly more time together, but because he's telling me things. As a friend. I'm delighted that I now feel like I can be...friends with him again.
But Ingrid is going slightly down hill. She is getting more and more anxious. He's not really doting over her as much. And he's not over me or any other girl, as I should say. Not the way he did over her, anyay.
But she's worried. I can tell. And upset. There are occassions when I see her crying.
And I feel..terrible. I never loved Ingrid as much as others did. But I never disliked her. And I know the feeling she gets when Avey ignores her for someone else. She may be clingy as fuck, but she's human too.
I can't tell her to back off though. It would be so wrong. Especially from me. I can't tell her that he needs space because it will obviously seem like I'm trying to start something...
I tell him it's his job to do so. Before he hurts her feelings. He tells me girls hold grudges.
Well. YEAH.
But...I leave it up to him. I try to stay Switzerland.
He doesn't say anything.
And then I get and IM on facebook.
It's Ingrid.
She asks me if she can ask me a question in hopes that it won't bother me.
I say sure.
"Is there something up with Avery? I mean... he seems...distant ever since we got back from break and I...just...you guys have been reconnecting and I was wondering if he has told you anything...?"
I can imagine her soft, scared, uncertain, perfect-actress voice as she says this. But I know it can very well be an act...because Ingrid...is a good actress. [she can even cry on cue]
My reply to her was something along the lines of "Erm, he hasn't really told me anything but....I can see why you're upset. Don't worry. There's nothing up between me and him. We're just friends. Besides. The whole school practically knows that you two are together."
And she responds with, "Yeah. I wanna make it official sooooo bad ^3^ but he won't let me yet for personal reasons."
That was the summed up version. In real life, the conversation was longer and I was texting Avery on the side and telling him that she put me on the spot and that he should've done what I had said. I added the line, "show her that you still like her the way she likes you,". To which he didn't directly respond...

It had started to go downhill.

As or Danielle? She was heart broken because only a day after hr break up ith Sullie, he had shown up at school with a hickie, not claiming to know how he got it because he had gone clubbing and it was packed. Later he had started to date Natasha, Ingrid's roommate.

This is the most recent quarter. I've currently fried my brain trying to think back and remember what happened. Strangely enough, this means I can't remember the most recent quarter as well.

But I will give you a run down of what happened:
I tried pot for the first time. I started using tampons [cause you totally need to know that]
And we came to find out that Avery is in fact an asshole and had fooled us. Also, our dearest Sarina dropped out of school because of inability to pay for it. Care to find out what excactly happened? [Doubt you do.]
Then please, keep checking back at this blog.

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