What the HELL is this blog about?

Hi. I consider myself hispanic. I act white. It's something I've learned to live with.
My blogs tell the story of an incredibly awkard, shy, neurotic, hispanic-white-acting, boyfriendless seventeen-year-old trying to fit into the world of being a "normal" teenager.... in a very, very white town.

Monday, October 12, 2009

build your own edward cullen!

It's becoming narrower as we speak. The hole/chance/window of opportunity to be taken is quickly closing in. Soon everyone will have someone to talk about, to be with, to be happy with... and me?
Why, I'll fall back into my hall-glance-romances, of course.
Quick side note. For those of you who don't know what a
hall-glance-romance is, let me tell you: it's when you almost always catch a
certain someone's eye in the hallway and there's a mutual yet strange
understanding that there could have been something between you two even though
you've never spoken a word to each other...
God. I hate those.
But, the question here really is, when is my deadline?
YOU: Why do you have a deadline? There is no deadline to get a boyfriend in the real world. That just sounds like a bunch of high school bullshit...
Me: Well, it is indeed high school bullshit, but seeing as I'm still in high school, this is something for me to be concerned about...
Uber sigh.
It's happening. They're all getting taken. My options are falling like birds shot out of the sky. It happens every year, you know? Then the single ones left can't even date each other because the only people left are left for a certain reason. Either they're too shy, too immature, too annoying, or too afraid to even be in a relationship.
Things get annoying when this window of courtship closes and hanging out as friends soon becomes hanging out as couples and a third wheels becomes an awkward turtle.
OK, I know, I know:
You: Dating should not be considered a social test or a new trend. You should date because you like someone and feel comfortable with them.
Me: OK, I see your point. But try telling that to all the super insecure people of the world and see what they feel like. See how much they feel like an outcast and sometimes feel persecuted for not keeping up with this 'trend'. See how it hurts to be left out just because you don't have a 'someone' and how you get ridiculed when you confess to having little to no experience with this sort of thing.
You: ...
Me: Exactly. And in case you still don't understand, here's an example out of many that happened to me through my years at my school::
"So, you, me, and Justin should all go to the fair with our respected partners [that's right, this kid takes himself so seriously that he used respected partners in a sentence]," said Ray to Alisa at the lunch. I knew it was a group date. I knew I wasn't invited. I knew I wouldn't have anyone to go with. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut.
But I didn't.
I just wasn't thinking up to speed with the words propelling out of my mouth.
"The fair?? I want to go to the fair!"
Ray immediately shoots a stare at Alisa that tells me I am definitely NOT invited.
I knew I wasn't. I was just expressing the fact that I wanted to go. I wasn't inviting myself. But he took it that way.
I really need to go to the store and buy me a boyfriend.
A tall one. Not too skinny. Big enough to wrap his arms around me and keep me warm in the cold. Preferably with curly dark hair. Gorgeous blue or green eyes. Athletic...GOSH they should come in catalogs so I can order one custom made.
Ha. Build-Your-Own-Edward-Cullen.
Copyrighted to me, understand?

Monday, October 5, 2009

order of the race rainbow in my house.

I went out of state for the weekend. It was my cousin's QuinceaƱera----which they celebrated in the Little-Town-of-Nowhere.
It was cute.
Kind of made me regret not having one...except not. I had too many White friends and not enough Hispanics. Damn.
Later, my aunt found a picture of me and J in my camera. Damn x2.
"I saw your picture! I didn't know you liked black guys! Is he your boyfriend?"
Uhhhhhh. My brain is kind of frozen for a second. "Who?"
"The guy! The guy in your picture!"
Oh. Him... Wait. What?
"NO! He's like my best friend!" I spit out. J is like my best friend. Ever since sophomore year. But you know, it's not like I haven't thought about going out with him.
"Oh," my aunt laughs, "and here I was having a mini freak out...I was like 'Oh my god, she's into blacks!'" She proceeds to give me the same talk the rest of the family has already given me about how I should handle my life.
You know the talk, right? Be safe. Focus on the future. Don't go hoe-ing around.


Maybe not exactly in that context, but you know what I mean.
So, as she rants about the same thing I've heard millions of times (i.e.: You want your career to be related to art? WHHHATTT? You should be an accountant. They would earn more. ), I sit there and think about how prejudice my family is.
If you were to walk in my shoes for a day, you'd hear them complain about how white and black people are this and that and how Asians are just there on the side-lines.
It's kind of funny, really.
Kind of.
You see, this is how it 'works'(NOTICE THE QUOTE, UNQUOTE) in my household:
1. White people think Hispanics are annoying vermin who come and take jobs away.
2. Hispanics think White people are lazy fat people who complain but are
unwilling to work for it, and the Black people demand respect they haven't even
3. Black people cause more chaos, steer clear of White people and
get along with Hispanics a little better....and sometimes, they prefer Asians
over Whites.
4. Asians are like the best friends of the Hispanics and
intermediate in the human rainbow of colors. They are also the one's who live
longer. Everyone loves Asians.
5. Others are the other races people forget.
In other words: Other races don't really exist in my household.

My parent's are worried with which part of the rainbow I will choose for life. I am worried about how big...our family will be. We have a lot of family already, you know?

In the end, we're all nuts and it won't matter who I will end up with because I'm pretty sure I'll choose a Jew...
Which apparently is a race all on it's own now. (Oh my god. Ignorant people. Tisk, tisk. What has gone wrong with the world?)
Or I'll turn lesbian if I don't find a him soon.

Friday, October 2, 2009

why diet coke sucks ass.

My love life is kind of like drinking a diet coke.
It's starts off sweet, crisp, and feels good running down your throat (lolWUT?!)...
and then comes the after taste. Ew.
In short, I have none.
I try to pin down the reasons for why I'm a senior in high school and still single. There's no fucking way I'd write it down in class---you'd have to be a complete idiot----so I try to memorize them in my head. They go like this:
1. I'm shy
2. I'm a Hispanic girl who looks Asian but acts like a white chick...
3. I have little to no dating experience
4. I'm always crushing on the one's hardest to get
5. I attract younger kids...ew
6. and I attract old people...ewer
7. I attract short, dark, Mexican men who stand outside their houses leaning on their cars, drinking beer, blasting their radio loud with Banda music and wearing cowboy suits.
8. I'm very nit picky.
In my first period a potential boyfriend sits in front of me and when you slightly analyze it, it seems like a good match. He's taller than me, strong, super intelligent and an army kid. There's potential. But he's not...attractive enough (someone SLAP me...).
In my second period...well. same thing.
Third... he's a junior and pretty much taken.
Fourth: He's got the weird cute/hotness mix. I can not express to you how much I really, really want him. But he's a junior. And a pothead. Among other things.
Fifth: junior. babyface. enough said.
Oh, my. The way things are going I might as well turn lesbian.
But I'm kind of homophobic, so that might not turn out so well...
No offense to gays. It's just that... you know. You're weird.
Actually, it is true that homosexuality is a strange thing. But then, so are many other things.
Take my friend, (we'll call her alisa) she's my best-friend-but-not-really-because-she's-an-airhead-with-low-morals-and-a-stuck-up-bitch-who-only-uses-me-to-gain-stability-in-her-friends-but-thats-ok-cuz-i-do-that-too. :]
The other day she made a comment about my REAL best friend an-overweight-sweetheart-with-a-big-heart-and-high-morals-with-a-good-head-on-her-shoulders-and-could-one-day-take-on-the-world-alone-if-she-had-enough-confidence-in-herself. We'll call her, Mady.
"I think Mady is a lesbian." Alisa said one day. I was totally thrown off by this. I stared at her for a second until she continued. "Well she only talks to you and Jesi. I've never seen her hang out with any guy before...or flirt with them."
"She's just shy," was all I could say.
I was trying to drop the subject. I didn't want to get onto the fact that I too, have not had a boyfriend my whole high school career.
Have I been asked out? Yes.
Why haven't I gone out with anyone?
As weird as it sounds....I'm kind of scared to.
Damn. I'm such an innocent asian-looking-white-acting-hispanic-senior-in-highschool-17-year-old.
Maybe I should turn lesbian...if you can do that...there must be a sign-up sheet somewhere...

Thursday, October 1, 2009

an introduction. and well. i'm not asian.

He was playing around, like he always does. Our classroom desks formed a circle and we all faced the center. A single chair was there for our teacher to sit in. We were going to play a game. But not yet. The bell hadn't rung yet. I hear him say to the guy next to him, (in a joking tone), "Because you're the only Mexican here, I know I can say this: I HATE Mexicans!"
It was a joke. I thought it was funny, but---I still had to make something clear.
He was sitting across me and making his friends laugh, but I was quick and didn't skip a beat.
"WHAT?" I said.
They all stopped laughing and stared at me. It was the funniest shit I'd seen in a while. The shock in their faces was priceless and the awkward silence... it was like the icing on the cake. I caught them off guard real gooooood.
Suddenly they bust out laughing and our racist sits there staring at me in disbelief.
Finally he says, "I'm so sorry! I thought you were Asian!"
I laughed. It was funny. It made sense. I was used to it.
I've not always been proud of the way I look. I'm still not one hundred percent OK with it, but what teenager is? To this day, however, I like it. I like it a lot. It makes me feel unique.
There's only a good 15% of people who know I'm Hispanic when they first see me. That's not a lot, for those of you who don't know. I'm used to shocking them and speaking fluent Spanish, or giving away hints as to my race. Then they say things like, 'but....you don't have an accent,' and 'you speak perfect English,' or sometimes, 'but you act so white!'
I laugh because I have no reason to get angry. I like it.
But one of my Hispanic friends likes it more than I do. He gets a kick out of telling his friends that I'm not Asian. That I speak fluent Spanish. He makes it awkward. Gah.
The most recent one was a couple of weeks ago. We were sitting in class, he was on one side of the room, I was on another. He called me and asked me a question in Spanish and when I answered, he turned to the dude he was talking to and said:
How embarrassing. This dude was kind of shocked. I noticed he had been wondering it for a while, though. For some reason we always caught each other's eye. It was awkward and cute. I would actually feel that there was more to it if I wasn't bias and refused to like a short person.
Yes. This guy-that-didnt-know-i-was-hispanic-till-whatshisface-had-to-prove-it was cute. Cute face. Dresses nice. But he's short.
And most people.
God. I swear. THIS is why I have no current boyfriend right now...