cringing at their disgusting cuteness.

I try to hold back the cringe as I become aware that my best friend's boyfriend has his arm around her and she's leaning on his shoulder and----what's this? Oh my god. I heard a kiss.


Alright. So let me be honest with myself: I cringed because it's my best friend. Yeah, I was aware that she'd been in previous relationships before this guy but, she's never ever introduced me to any of them. Something I don't really mind.
And to be honest, I don't mind being the third wheel as couples. You know...if they didn't ACT like couples. Cause I have. I adore those couples who let me feel comfortable with them.

This was something that I was hoping she would hold her word to. He didn't get the memo.
So halfway through Toy Story 3, I'm sliding down on my chair feeling slightly uncomfortable.
Here's the thing: my best friend is my best friend because we might as well be telepathic, have far too many things in common and should have just been born as twins...but when it comes to personal situations...we don't ever tell each other shit.
And I like that relationship. I keep my experiences to myself; as does she. We could talk about just about anything and have almost no real barriers.
But once again: we don't tell each other shit.
I like to refer to her as an "emotional robot", even though it's totally clear to me that she's not---no matter how much she tries to convey that to me.
I just see it as really strange to actually be confronted with what I've known for a while. It just feels like it's something I know she doesn't want me to see and I suddenly feel like there's a giant elephant in the room that I'm trying to ignore.
But there's that other emotion running through me [other than the very real tears through Toy Story 3, which you should definitely see]. Yes, other than embarrassment for my sad third-wheely-self and disgust as his over-willingness to display public affection...
I was jealous.
So, her guy isn't going to be the winner of "Most-Attractive-Boyfriend-of-the-Year" but he's obviously very...uh...."sprung" on her...
I didn't even know how sprung he was until we snuck into Eclipse.
Oh my god. I was seriously considering standing up and leaving if they started making out. Not only because it would be embarrassing, but I'd also be feeling far too jealous and lonely for it...especially while watching ECLIPSE of all fucking movies.
Sigh. It makes me feel so sorry about myself. I would have wallowed even more in my own self pity...
Had it not been for one thing, I probably would have died in bitterness.
I think I have a new love. And his name is Art.


Art School* that is.
Just got done with orientation and I already know I'm gonna love it. I've also spotted some eye candy. Nothing too exciting happened yesterday [orientation], unless you want to hear the ramblings about how I can't wait to get it started.
All I know for sure, however, is that I'm more inclined to WANT to hang out with the friends I make at this school than the ones I had in high school.
And did I mention that there's definitely plenty of eye candy?
:D

i iz da aim stalkah. beware!

-ENTER AIM USER NAME HERE- has blocked you. She will not receive your message.
For a moment, I'm appalled. Why would Mady block me? Of course, I wouldn't exactly blame her because I am an obsessive AIMer who probably sends her 20 bajillion [its a word cause i said it is!] messages in two hours:

Myusernamehere: hey.
Myusernamehere: sup?
Myusernamehere: are you there or
on invisible?
Myusernamehere: gah. you talk to me more on facebook than on
here.
Myusernamehere: lol.
[5 minutes later]
Myusernamehere: mmmmmmmaaadddddyyyyyyyyyyy?
Myusernamehere: where you at? stop obsessing over
the freakin jonas brothers and talk to me!
Myusernamehere: D:
[35 minutes later]
Myusernamehere: hullo?
Myusernamehere:
imboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredimboredandijusttypedallthatwithoutlookingatthekeyboardorusingspaces
Myusernamehere: must i resort to talking to myself again?
Myusernamehere: gosh, you are always saying how you don't have a life, why won't you answerrrr?
[3 hours later]
Myusernamehere: OK, so you talk to me more on facebook than on here,
because? oh yes. i always want lengthy conversations about possible meaningful
stuff, but can't really have these kinds of convos with you when the
meaningfulness varies between your definition and mine. sigh. when will i learn to accept that our convos will always be "hey!" "hi!" "sup" "nm u?" "same." "ah. OK." "yep."

And that's when I got that message that might as well have said this:
She's blocked you. Go away.
And THEN, when I take a second look at her screen name in disbelief, I realize that the letters in the screen name are right---but the capitalization aren't.
Shit. I have been spamming a poor innocent stranger with all my crazy typing... Dammit!

In the end I just send the last message to Mady before exiting out of the AIM box in shame.

Oh, please, don't judge me too harshly.
Here's the thing: I need someone to talk to. Naturally I pick Mady because she's the closest friend I have. My best friend. UNFORTUNATELY, we're polar opposites. The most polar of the most. fucking. opposites. that you can get. So, when I try to converse with her and try to share problems I'm going through... they just seem to fly over her head. As well as her problems with me. The frustration level is extremely high and we tend to bud heads a lot. So why do I keep bugging her on aim?
Because.
Even though I seldom tell her what really bothers me, she's still my closest friend. And sometimes the company-----or even the feeling of company makes me feel better when I'm a little wired up.
This is why I don't care when she dismisses my attempts to get into a conversation about teenage girl problems. I mean, at least I have someone to ALLMMMOSSSTTT converse deeply with.
Sadly, that's good enough for me right now.
.
.
.
.
.
.
AND that's why I have this blog thing. To write about other internal conflict. And also why I love you. :]

build your own edward cullen!

It's becoming narrower as we speak. The hole/chance/window of opportunity to be taken is quickly closing in. Soon everyone will have someone to talk about, to be with, to be happy with... and me?
Why, I'll fall back into my hall-glance-romances, of course.

Quick side note. For those of you who don't know what a
hall-glance-romance is, let me tell you: it's when you almost always catch a
certain someone's eye in the hallway and there's a mutual yet strange
understanding that there could have been something between you two even though
you've never spoken a word to each other...

God. I hate those.
But, the question here really is, when is my deadline?
ERRRR. OK, STOP.
YOU: Why do you have a deadline? There is no deadline to get a boyfriend in the real world. That just sounds like a bunch of high school bullshit...
Me: Well, it is indeed high school bullshit, but seeing as I'm still in high school, this is something for me to be concerned about...
Uber sigh.
It's happening. They're all getting taken. My options are falling like birds shot out of the sky. It happens every year, you know? Then the single ones left can't even date each other because the only people left are left for a certain reason. Either they're too shy, too immature, too annoying, or too afraid to even be in a relationship.
Things get annoying when this window of courtship closes and hanging out as friends soon becomes hanging out as couples and a third wheels becomes an awkward turtle.
OK, I know, I know:
You: Dating should not be considered a social test or a new trend. You should date because you like someone and feel comfortable with them.
Me: OK, I see your point. But try telling that to all the super insecure people of the world and see what they feel like. See how much they feel like an outcast and sometimes feel persecuted for not keeping up with this 'trend'. See how it hurts to be left out just because you don't have a 'someone' and how you get ridiculed when you confess to having little to no experience with this sort of thing.
You: ...
Me: Exactly. And in case you still don't understand, here's an example out of many that happened to me through my years at my school::
"So, you, me, and Justin should all go to the fair with our respected partners [that's right, this kid takes himself so seriously that he used respected partners in a sentence]," said Ray to Alisa at the lunch. I knew it was a group date. I knew I wasn't invited. I knew I wouldn't have anyone to go with. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut.
But I didn't.
I just wasn't thinking up to speed with the words propelling out of my mouth.
"The fair?? I want to go to the fair!"
Ray immediately shoots a stare at Alisa that tells me I am definitely NOT invited.
I knew I wasn't. I was just expressing the fact that I wanted to go. I wasn't inviting myself. But he took it that way.
Dammit.
I really need to go to the store and buy me a boyfriend.
A tall one. Not too skinny. Big enough to wrap his arms around me and keep me warm in the cold. Preferably with curly dark hair. Gorgeous blue or green eyes. Athletic...GOSH they should come in catalogs so I can order one custom made.
Ha. Build-Your-Own-Edward-Cullen.
Copyrighted to me, understand?