Catching up: Oct-Feb Heartbreak

Heartbreak, boys, relationship.

October 3oth:
I arrive late at Drew's zombie party. It was too far away. I shouldn't have gone. It was pointless. Everything was over. I'd only be showing up to crash there. But i went because Sullie was there and I was hoping to somehow...get closer to him. By the time I get there I see him all close up and cosy with Danielle. My brain is broken. I'm confused as fuck.

"Did you ever even see that coming?" Ingrid whispered to me as we sette ourselves on the floor and in the sleeping bags. She nodded to the couch where Sullie held Danielle she slept.

I tried to hold back a laugh. "Hell no. I didn't even know they talked to each other before today."

October 31st: Last day of volunteering. The entire time I was unable to focus because I couldn't believe that Danielle and Sullie had fallen asleep together on the couch...holding each other. I was...confused. I had never even seen them talk before. Cassy was volunteering with me. I told her about how weird it was. I wouldn't shut up about it. In the back of my mind, I knew I should have stopped. I had volunteered us to do this cause she needed out of the house. She needed a distraction. She needed postive things... And yet here I was talking about it all day.
When the night was over, she did what I can never thank her for. I can't really thank her enough for hugging me when I unexpectedly broke down on our way out. I can't thank her enough. For helping me through the next few months. I can never thank her.
That night, I got home and bawled my eyes out on my bed. My mom came to ask me what was wrong and I refused to tell her and begged to be left alone. I needed someone to talk to. Cassy didn't have a phone and I didn't want to bother her. I called Lauren. I cried my eyes out most of that night. It was the first time my heart had actually felt broken. It was the first time I'd actually cried that heavily over a boy.

November-December
I cringed everytime I was near Sullie and Danielle. They were THE MOST affection couple in the whole of the school. But I wasn't as bothered as Victoria, who had obviously wanted very badly to have Sullie as her own.
But a new guy was introduced into our group. His name is Avery. He sat across from our circle with his knees up like L from Deathnote. I was sitting Indian-style in my chair. I caught his deep blue eyes....
He looked like a dork.
But there was something about him.
A few days later [and keep in mind throughout this I'm still bitter about Sullie and Danielle], while I sat with Lauren, he walks intot he lounge I stare, but say nothing at all. Lauren turns to me and said, "That guy that just walked in has pretty eyes."
She didn't know that he had sat behind her. And he heard her.
I kinda started his intregration into out group and kept inviting him over to do/sit with us. He turns out to be a dork. But a sweet, reaaaaally good looking, cute dork.
He sits really clos beside me whenever we're at a group thing---at first. And this helps deal with Danielle and Sullie.
I guess you could say that my relationship with Avery was...well. I used him as a distraction form DandS and he used me as a friend since he was new and didn't know anyone.
But distraction or not...I started liking him more. I like the way he looked at me and moved in close to creep me out with his eye-shake-talent. I like the way his abs felt with I tried to make him feel ticklish in vain. I liked the way he smiled at me when he knew I was full of bull shit. I liked the way he was shy and his need for attention was like that of a little boy who just wants to be liked so he goes aroud giving flowers to older women and telling them they're pretty.
I liked the way he laughed, his dorky-fast-breath-desperate-y laugh.
I liked that he actually tried to find things in common with me and to make conversation. I like that he wasn't afrain to give me the tightest bear hugs I'd ever felt since the southern-boy who liked me. They were so, so, so much better.
I like how any Owl City song or Owl City itself was used as the perfect way to describe him. I loved the butterflies I felt when I thought about him. When I saw him. When he spoke. When he laughed, when he smiled. When he was the last person I'd text before going to sleep.
I liked him. A lot. And I knew this. He was so, so, SO much better than Sullie.
So, so, so much.
And then Ingrid came in.
She had just broken up with her boyfriend. She had cried. I had made her something to feel better. In fact I had made something for a few others as well. It seemed like the second quarter was filled with much, much heart break...We were all hurting in some way.
But I had found a tiny...light...
And it had found Ingrid.
I knew it. I knew it the instant they locked eyes during Ninja.
And my heart might as well have shattered again.
They were so cute for the next two weeks. They were literally attached to the hip. Or might as well have been since all they would do was spend their free time listening to Owl City or Lights on Ingrid's Ipod sharing earbuds.
He lives the same distance as I do away from the school. In the opposite direction. But he'd spend several nights over at Ingrid's apartment. Then she's spend nights over at his house. And they're go out to eat together. They'd do...so much...together.
And every moment. Every day...
Every time I saw this with their heads leaning in together, my heart would break more and more. Only Lauren and Danielle saw me cry about it in the bathroom. And I mean really cry. I cried more about Avery than I cried over Sullie. I FELT more over Avery than I think I could ever feel for Sullie...In SUCH. A. SHORT. AMOUNT. OF. TIME.
I felt sick to my stomach, nervous as hell and angry and sad and depressed when I woud hear them giggling. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand her.
Every day I was in class with Ingrid and her new bff Victoria and I could hear them whispering about Avery. I once heard her tell a story about how she'd gone with Avery to Walmart at four in the morning, he had stared at her, said, "You're so cute." and kissed her.
Fucking use a hatchet to murder my heart, why don't you?
Naturally, I couldn't stand being near either of them. But most of all, I couldn't stand being near Avery. He still wanted to talk to me every so often, he still wanted to be friends.
But...I couldn't even be that. My heart...was...too weak for even that.
And it was too angry. I would walk into the lounge and hug everyone except him. I would say hi to everyone except him. Mady tells me that I was a jerk for singling him out. I was. But once again, if I even looked at him, I'd want to cry.
I wasn't just angry at him, though. I was angry with myself. I'd never felt this out of control with my emotions before. Ever. And it was scary. But most of all, it was annoying.
And then it got even more annoying.
He sat down next to me one day. We conversed. A little. He moved in to show me his creepy eye-shake thing and I kicked his chair away. My heart was going wild and I could feel the tears welling up as I thought about how Ingrid would soon show up and he'd forget about me an go on to lay his head in her lap...
I walked away and left it at that.
At some point in time, I was in class when Ingrid hesitantly turned around to look at me. As slowly and as carefully as she could she said, "Um, hey? Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure?"
"Uh...It's just that...uhm...I was wondering...are you mad at Avery or something? I mean...he says that you kinda...don't wanna talk to him anymore...and he just...he kinda...are you mad at him?"
I didn't feel bad at that moment. I was furious.
"Oh, no. Not at all. I'll fix that today," I said calmly.
"Oh, ok." Ingrid said, uncertain of my answer. Regardless, she smiled her cute smile and turned back around. Of course she had to know that I was avoiding Avery. Everyone had to know. But no on had said anything until today. And it hadn't even been him.
So. Fucking. Furious.
During break, I went to get something to eat and saw him in the lounge. He was talking to Ingrid and I said something along the lines of "I heard you thought I was mad at you. We'll I'm not. Hug?" He was eating something and I didn't give him time to respond before I hugged him. I tried to move quick because he still hugged me as tightly as before... and that worried me. I could feel the tears again.
I backed off and said, "Are we all good?"
He nodded and tried to smile as he was still chewing his poptart. He pointed out the fact that he was chewing and that probably meant he was going to say something else, but...I didn't want to stick around to find out what. I just smiled and left him before any evidence of my tears could be suspected.

I still avoided him for the rest of the winter.

January-February
Sullie and Danielle had broken up three weeks into their relatonship from Halloween, leaving Danielle heart-broken. She had never cuddled with a boy before. She had nibbled a boy's neck. Yet she did so with Sullie. So, naturally, when he let her go back in November, she felt TERRIBLE.
We tried to console each other [she never and still doesn't know that I cried over Sullie] by talking about both our situations, mine with Avery and Ingrid, and can't wait for Chritmas break.
And then...something weird happens.
I start texting Avery again. A lot. Mostly about nonsense... But a lot.
I start to go to sleep to his texts again. I stay up till four in the morning to have silly convo with him. I start to feel calmer about him...
School starts again. Things are deffinitely weird. Avery starts paying a bit less attention to Ingrid and more to others...including me... He walks across the room to start conversation with me. He walks away from Victoria [a seeming dictator of the group she created with Ingrid and the one I started to detach myself from] and them to see what I'm doing.
We continue texting a bit more. It's nothing serious. Just silly things. And Ingrid begins to look up at us more. She follows him when he walks over to me. She asks what's wrong when he's quiet. She's always trying to convince him to come over to her apartment again...
The boy is being suffocated. We're alone in the hallway and he tells me so. I find this humerous. And delightful. Not because we're spending slightly more time together, but because he's telling me things. As a friend. I'm delighted that I now feel like I can be...friends with him again.
But Ingrid is going slightly down hill. She is getting more and more anxious. He's not really doting over her as much. And he's not over me or any other girl, as I should say. Not the way he did over her, anyay.
But she's worried. I can tell. And upset. There are occassions when I see her crying.
And I feel..terrible. I never loved Ingrid as much as others did. But I never disliked her. And I know the feeling she gets when Avey ignores her for someone else. She may be clingy as fuck, but she's human too.
I can't tell her to back off though. It would be so wrong. Especially from me. I can't tell her that he needs space because it will obviously seem like I'm trying to start something...
I tell him it's his job to do so. Before he hurts her feelings. He tells me girls hold grudges.
Well. YEAH.
But...I leave it up to him. I try to stay Switzerland.
He doesn't say anything.
And then I get and IM on facebook.
It's Ingrid.
She asks me if she can ask me a question in hopes that it won't bother me.
I say sure.
"Is there something up with Avery? I mean... he seems...distant ever since we got back from break and I...just...you guys have been reconnecting and I was wondering if he has told you anything...?"
I can imagine her soft, scared, uncertain, perfect-actress voice as she says this. But I know it can very well be an act...because Ingrid...is a good actress. [she can even cry on cue]
My reply to her was something along the lines of "Erm, he hasn't really told me anything but....I can see why you're upset. Don't worry. There's nothing up between me and him. We're just friends. Besides. The whole school practically knows that you two are together."
And she responds with, "Yeah. I wanna make it official sooooo bad ^3^ but he won't let me yet for personal reasons."
That was the summed up version. In real life, the conversation was longer and I was texting Avery on the side and telling him that she put me on the spot and that he should've done what I had said. I added the line, "show her that you still like her the way she likes you,". To which he didn't directly respond...

It had started to go downhill.

As or Danielle? She was heart broken because only a day after hr break up ith Sullie, he had shown up at school with a hickie, not claiming to know how he got it because he had gone clubbing and it was packed. Later he had started to date Natasha, Ingrid's roommate.

March-June
This is the most recent quarter. I've currently fried my brain trying to think back and remember what happened. Strangely enough, this means I can't remember the most recent quarter as well.

But I will give you a run down of what happened:
I tried pot for the first time. I started using tampons [cause you totally need to know that]
And we came to find out that Avery is in fact an asshole and had fooled us. Also, our dearest Sarina dropped out of school because of inability to pay for it. Care to find out what excactly happened? [Doubt you do.]
Then please, keep checking back at this blog.

sit down. shut up. read. it's time for a history lesson.

Yesterday: Bonnie's house after her birthday dinner.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Bonnie all over Henry. Right next to me on the couch. RIGHT. NEXT. TO. ME. Or at least, I think I do.
It's pretty much safe to say that I'm freaked out because I never would have imagined such a thing; he's practically her slightly younger brother. So I turn to take a proper look.
They're not doing anything like I thought they were.
In reality, Bonnie is trying to force his arm around me and he's giving her a good fight for control of his own arm.
"What the fuck?" I laugh semi-nervously. I laugh because I'm hoping Bonnie won't try to hook me up with Henry like she's done with Carly and Nicole. Nicole, luckily, dodged that bullet at the last minute.
I kind of feel sorry for Henry, seeing as Bonnie has put it up to herself to find him girlfriends, but I feel even more sorry for me.
I love hanging out with these guys. I have a tiny story with almost everyone in the room. Most of the guys are up playing Wii, and I'm sitting back, relaxed on the couch wondering why it took me so long to realize what being a teenager is really like.
With Henry, well... He stood up for me [out of pity, I'm sure] when Tony made fun of me on my birthday. He was really nice and made Tony call me afterwards and apologize. How sweet.
Tony---was an ass at first. But he turned out to be the sweetest, seemingly-ten-but-really-fourteen-year-old kid that I know. Despite making me almost cry on my birthday, I have decided that I like him. I'm weird like that. I sit next to him sharing time with Bonnie's new puppy. Both of us want to take him home with us.
Tony's older brother Mike is such a player. He's the one I'm most wary of. He will hit on anything with a two legs and vagina. Not kidding. And to this, there is no exception. On my birthday I seemed to be his main target. The new girl. Yaaaayyy. Uh, no. He's the one I hear most stories about, like hitting on a twelve-year-old and trying to get a ten-year-old's number. He just seems really....horny. With anger issues. He tries several times to get my attention. To at least look at him. Mostly because his locker is next to mine and all year I have avoided him like the plague. Yeah, that's right. I haven't said one word to him all year.
Then we have Eddie. A graduate of Player Academy. He's new. He's barely started----but making good progress. Eddie went to the Model UN conference with me and Bonnie. Although he wasn't in our group, we did kind of dance with him at the dance. Well. Bonnie did.
Strange thing about dancing. Whenever I see a guy alone on the dance floor, I instantly feel sorry for him. Ideally I'd go an dance with them but seeing as I lack major security in that area, I usually pull one of my girls and push them to him. So. I pushed Bonnie to Eddie. Now, he turns around making the weirdest face every times he wins on Wii because he knows it cracks the shit out of me.
Then...let's see. I scan over the room and see Olly. Olly is actually Hispanic, but appears Filipino. He's also Bonnie's boyfriend. He's super nice...when he wants to be. The friendliest of the bunch, I have to say. But Bonnie spends a lot of time yelling at him. He's whipped. Right now, he's wrestling Mike and I know I'm not the only one uncomfortable watching this.
And then the only black guy and possibly my best friend in the room: J. He's hyper, funny, strange...and a black skate border. I love him. Just, you know, not in that way.
Scan, scan, scan. I'm forgetting someone, I know...
Oh yes. Three girls I've never talked to.
In truth, I'm perfectly relaxed here. The only thing I really worry about---the only thing I EVER worry about is the questions....There's a point when the energy drinks wear off and everyone can't wrestle, or compete on Wii and everyone just crashes on the couches....That's when the conversations start. And the questions.
My most dreaded reaction is a conversation that will eventually lead to this being thrown at my face:
"You've never had a boyfriend? Or made out? Or ANYTHING?"
Nope. I look like I have, right? I also convinced people I was a pot head without meaning to, when in reality I'm a good girl.
Thankfully I make an excuse to leave when the first signs of dying energy appear. I'm disappointed that I left at nine, but also pretty content with how my night was. It was...tight.

why diet coke sucks ass.

My love life is kind of like drinking a diet coke.
It's starts off sweet, crisp, and feels good running down your throat (lolWUT?!)...
and then comes the after taste. Ew.
In short, I have none.
I try to pin down the reasons for why I'm a senior in high school and still single. There's no fucking way I'd write it down in class---you'd have to be a complete idiot----so I try to memorize them in my head. They go like this:
1. I'm shy
2. I'm a Hispanic girl who looks Asian but acts like a white chick...
3. I have little to no dating experience
4. I'm always crushing on the one's hardest to get
5. I attract younger kids...ew
6. and I attract old people...ewer
7. I attract short, dark, Mexican men who stand outside their houses leaning on their cars, drinking beer, blasting their radio loud with Banda music and wearing cowboy suits.
EWEST.
8. I'm very nit picky.
In my first period a potential boyfriend sits in front of me and when you slightly analyze it, it seems like a good match. He's taller than me, strong, super intelligent and an army kid. There's potential. But he's not...attractive enough (someone SLAP me...).
In my second period...well. same thing.
Third... he's a junior and pretty much taken.
Fourth: He's got the weird cute/hotness mix. I can not express to you how much I really, really want him. But he's a junior. And a pothead. Among other things.
Fifth: junior. babyface. enough said.
Oh, my. The way things are going I might as well turn lesbian.
But I'm kind of homophobic, so that might not turn out so well...
No offense to gays. It's just that... you know. You're weird.
BUT I LOVE YOU.
Actually, it is true that homosexuality is a strange thing. But then, so are many other things.
Take my friend, (we'll call her alisa) she's my best-friend-but-not-really-because-she's-an-airhead-with-low-morals-and-a-stuck-up-bitch-who-only-uses-me-to-gain-stability-in-her-friends-but-thats-ok-cuz-i-do-that-too. :]
The other day she made a comment about my REAL best friend an-overweight-sweetheart-with-a-big-heart-and-high-morals-with-a-good-head-on-her-shoulders-and-could-one-day-take-on-the-world-alone-if-she-had-enough-confidence-in-herself. We'll call her, Mady.
"I think Mady is a lesbian." Alisa said one day. I was totally thrown off by this. I stared at her for a second until she continued. "Well she only talks to you and Jesi. I've never seen her hang out with any guy before...or flirt with them."
"She's just shy," was all I could say.
I was trying to drop the subject. I didn't want to get onto the fact that I too, have not had a boyfriend my whole high school career.
Have I been asked out? Yes.
Why haven't I gone out with anyone?
As weird as it sounds....I'm kind of scared to.
Damn. I'm such an innocent asian-looking-white-acting-hispanic-senior-in-highschool-17-year-old.
Maybe I should turn lesbian...if you can do that...there must be a sign-up sheet somewhere...
ha.