What the HELL is this blog about?

Hi. I consider myself hispanic. I act white. It's something I've learned to live with.
My blogs tell the story of an incredibly awkard, shy, neurotic, hispanic-white-acting, boyfriendless seventeen-year-old trying to fit into the world of being a "normal" teenager.... in a very, very white town.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

i'm gonna sound like a conceited bitch for a second...

I have always been afraid of a specific thought that I've always, always, always had. I've been afraid that if I said anything or even thought about it, it would never happen, for it is so fragile and delicate for me that I'm afraid I will jinx my luck and I will die without fulfilling this one great and over-powering desire of mine. Like the title says, I'm about to sound like a very conceited bitch for a second with my following statement:
I am going to be famous and adored some day.
And it's going to be for one of these reasons:
My writing,
My art,
My videos,
My acting,
or my massive movement
that brought tons of people together for a day of peace and faith in humanity
that no one will forget.
I know that these could be easily misinterpreted as things I wish I would be famous for one day. And they might as well be. But I can not deny myself the truth---- I wish to inspire many, many people. Of course it will be a long time before I can 'stumble' upon a huge JK Rowling effect and will have to settle with trying to motivate and inspire just one person at a time.
Now, I wonder.... I wonder if it's true. JK Rowling, Jamie Tworkowski, The Beatles, Stephanie Meyer and other people like Miley Cyrus, or the Jonas brother (just to name a few examples) etc., all have said that they never expected the fame that they have received.
I don't expect it. But I do wish for it.
My main focus has been writing, though. Ever since the third grade I remember writing. And I did it for the same reason that I began to draw---it made me popular.
Perhaps that's why I want to write. Looking for completion, looking for insight. Yes, yes I know I'm only 17 and I have much more to go before I can really see the big picture of life, but...
I like to think of myself as special. Different. Destined to be something great in society. Maybe I think this just to get myself through each day and the fakeness I endure. The circus that is life in high school.
I love the laughing. I love the picture taking. I love the partying, the texting, the social networks and the dating factor...but I search for something so deep and strange that I'm almost completely certain that I'm going to be great.
I mean, I just feel so lonely, like such an oddball----I must be like this for a reason. Well, the way my mind works anyway. On the outside I'm putting up a front like everyone else. Just trying to get by.
What will be of my life when I graduate? Ideally I'd be off to art school somewhere out of state. Fall in love. Be inspired. Write/draw. Become the next JK Rowling in the matter of success and maybe not so much in the way that she is amazing...
But I know, I can feel it.
It's... it's the yearning that I feel. It will not promise me an answer to this question, a filler to this hole, a line for the t, a dot for the i.... but my yearning will keep me going. And for now, that's all I need.

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